The Crumbling Veneer

Whoever said that keeping a journal was a good idea, apparently didn’t factor in the reality of the pitfalls of re-reading it.

Every time I go back and read through the torrid thoughts of late teenage Emma I face something different. Something I didn’t catch last time. A less than flattering angle to myself that is now revealed.

I guess it is a part of doing the work. Facing the facts that the stories you told about yourself in the moment weren’t necessarily the most truthful ones. Stories that help you save face, move on, ones that obscure your own faults.

Then there are the parts of you that you realise you discarded along the way. Swallowed whole by the demands of motherhood, a melody grown dim through disuse.

I discover threads that were always there, waiting to be seen and woven. Problems that reappear, lessons half-learned.

Facing the truth can be destabilising. Empires crumble, foundations fade. And yet, building on false narratives lends a sense of security that blinks precariously, a facade that obscures glorious brokenness.

I am flawed, messy, single-minded. Passionate, musical, creative. The disparate realities converge to create my humanity. It is forever my lot.

This post is inspired by the Five Minute Friday writing challenge. Each week I join with this talented group of writers, free writing for five minutes in accordance with a prompt (though I have sadly missed a few weeks recently). Today’s prompt is ‘discover’. 

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I hid from my weaknesses for a long time. Pouring myself into another mould – one that I could be proud of, control, contain. When the cracks began to fracture I looked away, then realised resistance would only lead to pain. My selfless helping, what I had hoped was an […]

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Dave banished me from the house today. ‘Take the day to just be’, he said, ‘and don’t even think about coming back before 4:30pm. I’ve got this!’ I was equal parts terrified and excited as I set out, after attending a meeting in the morning. It felt a little foreign […]

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Fire and Ice

I have this theory about self-awareness. It comes in waves. Circumstances suddenly arrange to reveal to us an angle to ourselves or a revelation that had henceforth been hidden. That feeling of intense discomfort and shame (the messy middle, to coin a Brene Brown term) can be so unnerving as […]

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It owns me Directing my thoughts and channelling my steps Feet glued to a track that glides unseen underneath … The shape of obligation of molding myself  holding myself up to a glinting standard of motherhood sisterhood wifedom.  … Its the voice that bites, condemns that offers snarky words of […]

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Mind Games

Not enough.  Whispers communicated through streaked benchtops piles of hastily stacked crockery Windows dotted with evidence of living echo ‘clean, erase, perfect’ … Not enough. Resting is lazy, dwindling the minutes as if they were a luxury ‘What did you accomplish today?’ ‘Why didn’t you go there, be that, fix […]

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