Birthdays are a provocative experience.

I turn inwards. Sift through the pieces of my life and examine them, one by one. The resulting concoction bubbles in the background, tossing up surprising aromas and tastes.

I squirm under the spotlight. Deflect requests for lists and present ideas. I have everything I need. Or at least I think I do.

Questions linger. Another year over. What have I achieved? Where am I headed? Who am I becoming?

My achievements do not measure up to standard measures. Even though I excelled at school and went on to complete a law degree, working for a few years as a lawyer; I ultimately found that a career wasn’t at all what I wanted.

The call of motherhood beckoned.

It wasn’t easy, by any stretch. I failed more times than I could count. Struggled with alcohol abuse issues when I tried to drown my stress and numb the noise. The pressure built steadily until I couldn’t ignore the addiction anymore. With the help of God, I chose sobriety and am thankful every day for the peace it rewards.

There have been many other lessons along the way. Spiritual Direction has been so valuable in gifting me the space and perspective to reflect on choices, hurts and narratives. I’ve done some deep work and released toxic stories that were invisibly directing me. I’ve learned that standing up to a mob isn’t as scary as it seems, and that choosing truth over fear is one of the most satisfying things you can do. Even when we didn’t know how long we would have to survive without a paycheck coming in earlier this year, we knew that God would sustain us and He absolutely did.

As of Monday, we are moving into a the first part of a new phase of life with education – choosing to homeschool the kids. We’re calling it ‘Adventure School‘ and I’m actually really excited! (Can you tell I always wanted to be a teacher before settling on the ‘pragmatic’ option of law?). Ivy is starting first and we’re already planning our outings and excursions, as well as the curriculum that aligns with her interests and passions.

Life hasn’t at all taken the straightforward path that I naively assumed it would, but oh how interesting the journey has been.

Dave and I got the chance to escape for a night away in Phillip Island to celebrate my advancement in years. Staying in a cosy little room at the Castle Villa By the Sea, we ate far too much, reflected on life and caught up on reading.

We braved the wet and wild weather to walk the short distance to Cowes.

I had my heart set on the French restaurant, Anerie, but unfortunately it was booked out. We settled on Bani’s instead, the Greek place next door. Each dish was absolutely delicious and I discovered a newfound appreciation for cauliflower.

The next morning we enjoyed a leisurely breakfast (at Cafe Lugano) and a roadtrip of sorts, visiting many of the lookouts on the island.

My only regret was that I forgot to visit the op shops and antique stores in Cowes. It was rejuvenating and enjoyable, particularly given that it had been a while since Dave and I had been able to head away for a night alone due to the restrictions and lockdowns of the past two years.

Yet beyond the fine dining and relaxed pace, the experience delivered some big insights for us. One of the big ones was how quickly this child-rearing period of our lives is going by. When we first became parents it was difficult to picture life ever getting back to ‘normal’. It felt like we had plunged ourselves headfirst into (beautiful) chaos. Those newborn and toddler years were intense. Our needs became secondary to the ones right in front of us. But now, with all of the kids out of nappies and able to read, entertain themselves and help out around the house, we are suddenly faced with a sense of loss.

And, while eating out and having uninterrupted conversations is blissful for a time, it also starts to feel a bit empty before long. While we feel the stress and craziness of having to manage life and parenting, we also become enlivened by the challenge. We would jump out of the car at a lookout and, after the initial marvel at God’s creation, reflexively turn around to share it with the kids.

I came to the realisation that while I have my book series (The Mastery Chronicles) that continues to progress in the background (I’m currently starting the third – Colourmaster), even this doesn’t compare to the rich beauty that is teaching and taking care of the wonderful humans that God has entrusted us with. As we move into this next part of the adventure, I pray for the grace and insight to be able to guide them and nurture their passions.

We returned with a deep sense of meaning. A grounded knowledge that what we are doing is real and important work. Each one of our children is a gift and they teach us so much about the world as we go about trying to raise them right.

For the family side of the fun, we decided to celebrate with the kids in style at La Voltaire Bistro Francais, a fancy French restaurant in Belgrave. Dressing up and with plenty of lectures on manners and behaviour all the way there, they behaved remarkably well under pressure. Ivy said ‘merci’ many times to the waiters and we felt as if we had passed through a portal somehow to the streets of Paris. The food was delicious and the kids were fairly adventurous in trying new flavours (except for Harvey who was very happy with French fries!).

38 feels like a transition, a reckoning, a settling into a deeper reality. May God grant me everything I need to fulfill His purpose for this year. And may He do the same for you.