It is 1:20am and sleep eludes me. Hudson and I were locked in an epic battle of wills regarding use of the dummy and he won. I theoretically admire his strong will, but tonight it is going close to driving me crazy.
Now every time I put my earplugs in I hear phantom cries… a symptom of hearing the real thing so often tonight I guess. He wasn’t even getting close to a full sleep cycle by midnight. It sometimes feels as if God has given me Hudson to try and break me. You think you are in control? Here, have a child who will resist your plans. You think you are a good mother? This child will make you question that daily. You think your life is together? Here is a free hand grenade to add to that life.
Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the time Hudson is a happy, amazing kid. He will give the world’s biggest smiles that even involve his whole tongue. But when he is angry or has it in his mind that he wants something, don’t even think about getting in his way.
I’m lying here wasting time and feeling anxious every time I try to relax. Dave had to take the shift and sleep in Hudson’s room because I completely cracked it after Hudson woke up for the fifth time for the night and it was only just post midnight. I’m sure this might be just another night for some mothers, but not me. I’m used to 12 hour non interrupted sleeps from my kids. This sucks.
Not sure how to get rid of the panicky feeling. Even praying doesn’t seem to be working. Help me get through this please, God. I think you’ve sufficiently broken me now. I just want to have some sleep.
Well, morning came and with it a sense of perspective… that and the five full hours of sleep in a row! The dummy battle, while awful and intense, has (we hope) now concluded… and we are back to full nights’ sleeps once again.