Dave banished me from the house today.
‘Take the day to just be’, he said, ‘and don’t even think about coming back before 4:30pm. I’ve got this!’
I was equal parts terrified and excited as I set out, after attending a meeting in the morning. It felt a little foreign to consider what I want to do with time that doesn’t revolve around others’ needs. At Savers I had to continually redirect myself from the kid-related aisles, being drawn there as if by magnet. But it feels good and right to do this. There have been signs that it is an important thing to do – a number of explosively difficult days with the kids in the past few weeks, leading to realisations that I’m just not the type of person that I want to be right now. This motherhood gig is incredibly tough sometimes (a lot of the time) and if I don’t do my ‘work’, the whole family suffers.
So I’m sitting in a cafe typing away, a nagging feeling as if there is ‘something’ I should be doing… but choosing to trust that Dave has it all under control.
//The soul is in the voice, I heard
and wondered what it meant
when I chose to swallow words
or harness them to vent.
The layers that I place upon
what I really think and feel
are oft’ made of corrosive stuff
and yet I try to steel
myself against the pain
or internalise the wound
for if I cannot see it
maybe it will prove
that on the surface I am really fine
and very good at coping
but if the words were allowed to come
they’d show evidence of doping
my feelings, taming the flame
pushing down desires
to better contain
the needs and cries
of motherhood, of always being there
for everyone else
but struggling to take the time to
ask what should be felt
This post is inspired by the Five Minute Friday writing challenge. Each week I join with this talented group of writers, free writing for five minutes in accordance with a prompt. Today’s prompt is ‘speak’.