The Uncomfortable Admission

The first time around I found the motherhood deal fairly ‘easy’. My son Eli was a happy, cheerful baby who ate with gusto, slept when put down in his bed and was laid back enough to be toted around.

When other mothers around me were struggling, pulling their hair out in desperation willing their kids to sleep or stop relentlessly crying, I responded with inner puzzlement.

Dave and I decided that adding another member to the family would be a good idea. ‘Surely it can’t be that hard?’ We foolishly thought.

And then Hudson came along.

From silent reflux and a scream that sounded like a tortured animal, to hip dysplasia and a groin hernia that went undiagnosed for far too long- he constantly battled sleep, found toys to be boring and would sometimes howl for hours whether we were holding him or not.

It undid me. My expectations and ideals in a shattered heap. My identity unknowingly tied up in being the capable, coping mother underwent serious destruction.

And yet. Falling upwards would never have been possible if I didn’t visit the depths and death of my constructed worth. Empathy, compassion, understanding would have been silent judgement, pious condemnation and lack of connection instead.

I guess, although I’m loathe to admit it, ‘easy’ can be overrated.

This post is a part of a link up for Five Minute Friday, a community of fellow writers who write for 5 minutes every Friday together on a prompt.

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  1. I so understand this! Only it took me until my ‘baby’ was 20 to figure out that I had spent about 20 years silently judging other parents who had ‘troubled’ kids. I think the sooner we realize that our kids aren’t an extension of our great skills (and that other people’s children aren’t an extension of their poor parenting skills), the better of we would all be!

    1. Yes! It is so true, but so hard not to hang our identity on our kids when the world is swirling around us in the early days of motherhood… So many lessons to learn 🙂

  2. I’m expecting my second child and the thought that each child is so different is both exciting and scary for me. I’m curious to see how the new baby will change things, but I have to admit I get a little afraid at the same time. My first baby has his challenges, but I know that this next one will be an entirely different little person!

    1. Congratulations Amy! The journey is such a formative and challenging one I’ll admit, but such a beautiful investment… Sounds like you are well placed to embrace it all 🙂

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