Autumn leaves, light breeze, the smell of hot pizza drifting through the air, family non- debates about global warming, a sister in a onesie, little wheelbarrows and cooing/growling babies (Hudson tends to make some weird sounds!): today was almost perfect. Apart from the random outbursts of sighing and crying from me and discussions of how my amazing parents can help us financially be able to afford the mortgage which has all but fallen through.
I like being in control. I like being the generous one (you get more praise that way!). I find it so difficult to ask for or accept help. All that is being leeched out of me, one teary drop at a time. Our amazing house mates have offered to lend us enough so that we can go through with settlement which is less than three weeks away. I am blown away by the generosity of our family and friends.
I think I am realising that my default position of self protection is actually harmful to relationships and only serves to thwart any real chance I have of sharing life with people. Rejection sucks so much that it feels like it is safer and wiser to only open up a little. I try to avoid even asking questions in text messages just so if the other person doesn’t respond I won’t feel like their non response was personal. I tell myself it is so they don’t have to have the burden of replying but that isn’t true.
More and more I am finding out that letting people in to the messy and fragile center is so rewarding… But still so hard! I was wondering out loud to Dave if this had anything to do with one of my first real experiences of friendship in early primary school when my best friend sat me down and told me solemnly that she had found another best friend who was more suited to her and I was no longer required. I laugh it off now when talking about it, like ‘kids, how funny to think of a best friend like a boyfriend!’ but really I was shattered at the time. Walls of protection were built and promises made to never let anyone quite that close again. The mortar in those walls is slowly being chipped away now and I am the better for it.