A Testing Time

Is it acceptable to be a good mum most (maybe make that, some) of the time? At the moment I feel that the majority of the day I’m OK, we manage the ebbs and flows with a degree of grace and everything is fine, until something happens to press my buttons and I’m off. I never knew I was a yeller. Now, usually when Eli intentionally causes a mess or hurts Hudson, I let loose.

I apologize, of course, and explain to Eli that sometimes mummy makes mistakes, but I  wonder how long it will take before he starts to question why the same mistakes happen over and over.

Lately, it seems as if we are trapped back in the Hudson nightmare as well. He will spend most of the day whinging, and only be satisfied with an activity for about 4 minutes. I am close to breaking point. Instead of any measure of sympathy, the sound of him whining instantly makes me irritated and then I feel bad for not being a responsive mother. At the moment, I really feel as if I’m simply not equipped to meet his needs.

Today he has slept a grand total of 2.5 hours since 6:30am (it is now 9:20pm). He is currently screaming again as I write this post. What can I do? I’m so exhausted and emotional and honestly don’t have anything left to give. That plus the thought in my mind that in 7 months there is going to be three kids. If I feel like this with two, how the hell can I cope with three?

Thank God for an amazing husband and family, but even with the support, I’m still not sure how this one will play out. Any ideas, God?

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