We borrowed a book from the library for Eli called “I’ve lost my kisses” and that concept seems to ring true for me now, if you only change ‘kisses’ for ‘words’.
I’m not even sure what I am avoiding but anytime I get a chance to think by myself, I run. Candy Crush Saga, The Block, Masterchef, wine, you name it- all of the above have kept me distracted so I don’t have to process what is really going on.
I thrive on looking like the perfect person… I can handle anything, is the image I want people to take away with them when they meet me. But I’m not really coping. I’m not even sure why… Dave and I have discussed it a little, and it’s not the tasks per se, but something deeper.
We have tried to set up our lives so I can take care of the family while Dave is released to help others, and for a while that was ok. But lately I have been grudging in my release and building up resentment towards Dave. Even when he was sick with the flu he went out to two Debutante balls for his students, which is admirable but I resented him for it.
Yesterday with both of us tired and sick and just over it, neither was at a point to play the strong one anymore. I exploded ‘I just can’t carry you at the moment’. And whether justified or not, that is how I have been feeling. That I have to carry the family while Dave is out, then carry him when he gets home because his helping people has left him exhausted. I would love to be strong enough to do that but the cracks are showing. And I’m afraid if this goes on any longer I might break.
I really want to live by values and not waste my life. I don’t want to be weak or not cope with what I see as simple tasks of life. But the pressure of raising young kids and being Jesus to other people is so hard. I know I need to learn how to incorporate the two, but that is also escaping me at the moment.
Jesus please help me to do this life for you. I need all the help I can get.